you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
