you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
