So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
