I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
