What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
