Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
