I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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