The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize