we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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