I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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