we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
