I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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