Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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