He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
