my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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