He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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