Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
