wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
