He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Randomize
