Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize