If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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