dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
