Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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