everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
