He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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