I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
