just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
This couple is walking their pig around campus
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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