i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
