where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
