It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
