Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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