I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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