How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
