It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
