My girlfriend figured out who you are.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
