Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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