You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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