im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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