I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
