I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
