just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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