why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
