I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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