Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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