i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
