You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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