Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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