isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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