I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
