the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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