i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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