The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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