Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
