I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
