I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
