i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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