my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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